William Farrant brought up on War Crimes charges; denies responsibility

William Farrant has been charged with the ethnic cleansing of a horde of flies. The said event occurred at 4:35 local time, March 5, 2011.

Inspector General Hans Offanlauer addressed a gathering in The Hague: "We are shocked and dismayed at the rampant violence displayed by Treehousian Forces. A total of 75 flies were slaughtered in an unprovoked and apparently random attack. Mr. Farrant has been sequestered for questioning as it is our belief he gave the final order for the attack."

Tensions between the files and the majority Treehouse population had been at an all time low prior to the attack. Peace had seemingly prevailed after years of clashes and disputes over quality of life. But in recent days, as a reporter for Treehouse Network Television claimed, "They just took over. Suddenly, everywhere, we couldn't breath. In the shower: files. On our dinner: flies. Crawling over the telephone: flies. They know their areas. Why couldn't they stick to them?"

Winged Thorax, leader of the Fly Nationalist Party and representative to the House said, in a prepared statement, that due to an increase in the available food supply, the fly population increased dramatically over a short period of time. "Tends to happen that way," said Thorax, "You could make the analogy that we 'died and went to heaven.' It's not pretty, but that's just the reality of the situation. Flies happen, man."

On an otherwise quite afternoon, Treehousian forces approached the horde at a window seal to the east of the territory. Several swift strikes of a Rolled up Magazine- the latest in arms technology- annihilated the flies. A scene of bloodshed and horror was left in its wake.

"One moment I was there with my friends. We were thrashing our bodies against the window like we always do and then "bam" we're dropping like, well, flies. Ralph and my cousin Anatole were both taken with one strike. I got away but I've lost a wing. I'll never fly again. I have eight hundred children. How am I supposed to support a family now? How? I don't know if I can carry on," said Doug Puppa, a survivor of the attack.

Winged Thorax states the Flies will regroup and reproduce, a response to the attack being inevitable. "There are a few of us left. Give us a couple of days and we'll be back. You can count on that."

In the meantime, Treehousian forces are stockpiling against a resurgence and have purchased extra magazines, deadly sprays, sticky strips of goo, and assault riffles.


With files from Reuters.

My Poetry

Today was a shitty day. And then I had meatloaf for dinner. After dinner, my father gave me an old school project, a shoddily bound book entitled My Poetry by William Bill. It was written when I was in grade four. I now present my only attempt at poetry to date (aside from Die Silently Eating Pie, which was a "one-off" written in grade 8).



Found Poem



Through the open port he could see

the pale northern sky

and a single star

by raising himself

he could see the sea

black and mysterious

rising sheer behind the nearby beach



The Far Away Trees



Over the trees and over the snow, I can see almost everything;

a breeze comes across

I shiver, then look down and see green grass

Far away I can see red and yellow flowers.

I can see melting snow and little creatures on the rocks

There are no clouds in the sky and there are far away trees

There are so many trails I can see.



Glorious It Is



Glorious it is

to score a goal in a soccer game

as I run down the field and pass it someone

Then back to the centre line, and in the lead

and hearing the fans on the other side

Glorious it is

to score a goal



Steak



Chewy, juicy

Sizzles on the oven

Blushing on hot oven

Juicy



The Falling Trees



As the wind whistles furiously

I hear a creaking and a crunching

charging at the wind trying to stay up

Crunch!

It falls

I hear crunching of other trees



Alligator Steak



Alligator steak, alligator steak

if I don't get some, I think I'll have to wait

Give away my nose, give away my cake, but don't give away

my alligator steak

New Story

My piece "Being a Writer" at Shelf Life Magazine:

http://www.shelflifemagazine.com/Writer.html

or, if you prefer, at the Swedish part of the internet.

Yes, I accidentally got this one placed twice. It may start a chain reaction of doom. But likely not.

http://www.frostwriting.com/issues/article/being-a-writer/

Carolers

The wind howled as the rain poured. It was the night before Christmas. Larry and Shelley Frank were eating roast quail and butternut squash soup, accompanied by a glass of Spanish Merlot, when there was a knock at the door. Shelley got up and answered it. “Larry, come here quick,” Shelley said in a tone that indicated, “You better not make me go through this alone,” not “You gotta see this!” Larry threw his napkin down and slid out his chair in the way that conveys “supreme inconvenience.” In their yard were Carolers, “Joy to the World” at their mouths. A young boy, seven, played the recorder while ten adults stood around singing to the sky and waving their arms with mitten-covered hands.

Larry lit a cigarette; Shelley pulled a flask out of her housecoat, finishing it in one slug. The Carolers left, oblivious to anything but themselves. The Franks shut the door and went back inside.

“Well, that’s a good way to ruin a perfectly good Christmas,” said Larry.
“Amen,” said Shelley.
“Can you grab me a beer, Hon?” said Larry.
“Fuck you,” said Shelley, “Get it yourself you miserable Bastard.”
“Stuff it up your cunt you ass-faced Bitch,” said Larry.

The Franks went to sleep leaving all the lights on.

In the morning they fucked but Larry came too early. Shelley said, “Ahh, for Christ’s sake,” and got up, pulling her soiled nightgown down as she wandered off to the toilet. Larry rolled over and lit a cigarette.

Around the tree they opened each others gifts. For Larry, the toque that came with last night’s fifteen pack of Budweiser. Shelley got some of her own perfume and a discount box of tampons Larry bought at the Chinese convenience store while Shelley was in the shower.

The fireplace roared, fueled by a knitted sweater, an Asian fusion cookbook, and several electronic devices.

Shelley threw the wrapping paper in the garbage while Larry took the dog out for a shit on the curb.

They made breakfast. Larry burned the eggs. Shelley burned the toast. The sausages weren’t cooked fully through. Larry absent-mindedly ashed in the orange juice. Shelley pulled the coffee pot out before it was finished brewing and burned her hand.

“The dog’s humping the turkey,” said Larry.
“The cat has worms,” said Shelley.
“Fuck,” they both said.

The dishes were left in the sink, the cat licking up the grease from the pans.
The Frank’s went to their offices cursing one another along the way, “Fuck you” this and “Fuck you” that.

They settled in at their computers and with all the Yuletide clarity one could ever ask for, sent identical emails to their lawyers with the subject heading “I want a divorce.”

Miracle on Our Street

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House Sitting Instructions

1. Jo Ann’s #: 403-XXX-XXXX (marginalia says “flashlight for night walks”).

2. Lulu: 2 walks a day, as before. 1 or 2 pees during day. Large cookie at 9pm. Keep her on the leash and close to you especially when nearing small, yappy dogs, which she hates. Otherwise, the leash can be let out. Put her harness and collar on vestibule bench for Tanis and Ralph (make sure key is under mat) to get on Monday morning. Food: ½ cup (coffee cup) of crunch, one large plop of dog food (soft) for morning and dinner. MAKE SURE KEY IS UNDER MAT (note stating “repeated” and an arrow to marginalia denoting “make sure key is under mat).

3. Cats: ¼ can am and pm. Also crunch in Mud Room if Eli gets too demanding, ie he won’t shut up. Use sparingly. Keep Mud Room door shut otherwise Eli gets into crunch.

4. You: eat anything in fridge, freezer or cupboards but NOT squash soup in stainless steel container in freezer- we’re having that Monday night. There are three packs of Sole in freezer (marginalia: there are no potatoes). If you run out of candles don’t use the red ones- if you find them-, they’re for Christmas. Use utility white ones in drawer next to sink. Don’t snoop for Christmas presents. There aren’t any for you. Lots of toilet paper. Don’t use Anna’s car on Monday. She’s coming back Tuesday night and has an appointment on Wednesday. Check out new TV and zippy vacuum in vestibule closet. You’ll want that to clean up. (Marginalia: for puke and shit on carpet: use spray water and sponge up. Don’t rub or use soap and hot water.)

Lock doors when going out. Don’t leave fire unattended, lights and heat off if not here. Otherwise, thanks and have fun. XO, Mom.

Thursday November 18th. A List.

Things I said to strangers today while delivering car parts. Some are instant reactions to things so banal my responses were incomprehensible, some are so straight forward and boring I wish I didn't exist.

1. Guy: How you doing today? Me: Not bad!

2. Guy: Kinda looks like it might rain today, eh? Me: I heard it might snow. Guy: Sure hope not!

3. Girl: It looks like you're delivering take-out when you bring parts in brown paper bags. Me: It's Chinese, spring rolls and chop suey. Girl: Hee hee.

4. Other delivery parts guy from another company at Simeo Auto: Man, bay and government is real backed up with that construction. Who do they think they are doing that during rush hour? Me: Ha. Yeah. Cars fast lane slow, bad traffic up there (incomprehensible, I know, but what do you say to that, too many things I suppose, and I got all "jammed up").

5. Guy: I hate waiting for your parts from Vancouver, you should have them at the warehouse. Me: I'll speak to management.

6. Guy: Thanks, Buddy. Me (in my head): Do not call me "buddy," asshole. I'm thirty-two.

7. Guy: You should have brought this tomorrow with the rest of the shipment. Me: Well, it was on my way. So why not? Guy: Not very resourceful. Me: Thanks!

8. Guy: The return parts are always at the bottom left of the counter, just so you know now, so you don't need to ask. Me: What kind of cars do you sell? (this at the Jaguar dealership. might hear back on this one)

9. Guy: Hey there, World Pack Guy! Me: Hey there, Auto mechanic guy! Guy: Sure is getting close to the end of the week! Me: It sure is! Guy: Take care now! Me: You too!

10. Guy: Do you guys sell CV Ball Joints for 1997 Volkswagen Jettas. Me: What's a CV Ball Joint?