Friday, February 12, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
How Gentlemen Act in Poorer Times
By W.L. Farrant and Seamus O’Byrne
From the First Gentleman at 11:55
I had to leave the house in the quickest of fashions as the instruments that I use to conduct my work were not functioning properly; I’ve retired to the family estate in the country for peace of mind.
Can you produce a favour and place my loaf of bread and my portion of black forest ham in the freezer so they do not spoil? It would be most splendid if you could enact such kindness during what most certainly, for yourself, will be a strenuous day.
From the Second Gentleman at 12:52
Your loaf of bread and portion of black forest ham have been relocated to the freezer, good sir. Rest assured they will both be ready to be thawed, and enjoyed, at your leisure.
From the First Gentleman at 14:43
I applaud you for your efforts and hold you in the highest esteem.
If it is not too much to ask, would you kindly place the sum of money required to secure our dwelling on a monthly basis in the little black container that is either on the third or fourth shelf in the room in which I take my rest?
From the Second Gentleman at 14:45
Indubitably, mon Frere. When shall I expect your return?
From the First Gentleman at 14:50
I expect to return no later than Thursday in the evening hours.
From the Second Gentleman at 14:56
I cannot detect a black container in the locations provided. There is, however, a black plastic jar on the top shelf with some American paper-notes and a plethora of foreign coins in it.
From the First Gentleman at 15:04
The object you refer to as a “jar” is the one I have made reference to in our previous correspondence. When viewed through a larger scope over the duration of recorded history, “jar” can be assumed to be synonymous with “container.”
From the Second Gentleman at 15:22
The description is not in dispute. However, being that I am going to place a large quantity of funds in it, and the location presented to me was FUCKING WRONG, I thought it best to be absolutely clear.
From the First Gentleman at 16:05
There is only one place that it is functionally possible to have a third or fourth shelf in the room in which I take my rest. Therefore, the writer feels that his directions were not misleading or FUCKING WRONG and that maybe the reader has certain undiagnosed cognitive issues that pertain to the "finding of things."
From the Second Gentleman at 16:08
It would seem to me that one of us has been counting from the ground up, while the other has been counting from the top down, the latter being the "correct" way. At least that is the way I perceive it, from my uniquely unbiased perspective.
From the First Gentleman at 16:20
Listen, friend, let us not quarrel over this. We are both reasonable individuals who just so happen to have different ideologies on the way shelving can be interpreted. In my own heavily biased but correct opinion, there is no academically accepted method in which to "count" shelving.
Ps. the word "count" is juvenille; professionals, like myself and other learned men, prefer to use the word "enumerate."
From the Second Gentleman at 16:34
On further reflection, I would surmise that enumerating shelving from the bottom up would be the correct method- if there is one- as every shelving unit has a bottom shelf. I offer my most sincere apologies.
From the First Gentleman at 16:48
I am impressed and humbled by your heartfelt honesty in regards to this matter. It takes a big man- and by no means is this directed as a personal attack- to admit that he is lesser in the understanding and grasping of basic concepts.
***
From the Second Gentleman at 22:17
Hey, can I borrow twenty bucks?
From the First Gentleman at 22: 25
Yeah, sure. Black jar on shelf in bedroom.
From the First Gentleman at 11:55
I had to leave the house in the quickest of fashions as the instruments that I use to conduct my work were not functioning properly; I’ve retired to the family estate in the country for peace of mind.
Can you produce a favour and place my loaf of bread and my portion of black forest ham in the freezer so they do not spoil? It would be most splendid if you could enact such kindness during what most certainly, for yourself, will be a strenuous day.
From the Second Gentleman at 12:52
Your loaf of bread and portion of black forest ham have been relocated to the freezer, good sir. Rest assured they will both be ready to be thawed, and enjoyed, at your leisure.
From the First Gentleman at 14:43
I applaud you for your efforts and hold you in the highest esteem.
If it is not too much to ask, would you kindly place the sum of money required to secure our dwelling on a monthly basis in the little black container that is either on the third or fourth shelf in the room in which I take my rest?
From the Second Gentleman at 14:45
Indubitably, mon Frere. When shall I expect your return?
From the First Gentleman at 14:50
I expect to return no later than Thursday in the evening hours.
From the Second Gentleman at 14:56
I cannot detect a black container in the locations provided. There is, however, a black plastic jar on the top shelf with some American paper-notes and a plethora of foreign coins in it.
From the First Gentleman at 15:04
The object you refer to as a “jar” is the one I have made reference to in our previous correspondence. When viewed through a larger scope over the duration of recorded history, “jar” can be assumed to be synonymous with “container.”
From the Second Gentleman at 15:22
The description is not in dispute. However, being that I am going to place a large quantity of funds in it, and the location presented to me was FUCKING WRONG, I thought it best to be absolutely clear.
From the First Gentleman at 16:05
There is only one place that it is functionally possible to have a third or fourth shelf in the room in which I take my rest. Therefore, the writer feels that his directions were not misleading or FUCKING WRONG and that maybe the reader has certain undiagnosed cognitive issues that pertain to the "finding of things."
From the Second Gentleman at 16:08
It would seem to me that one of us has been counting from the ground up, while the other has been counting from the top down, the latter being the "correct" way. At least that is the way I perceive it, from my uniquely unbiased perspective.
From the First Gentleman at 16:20
Listen, friend, let us not quarrel over this. We are both reasonable individuals who just so happen to have different ideologies on the way shelving can be interpreted. In my own heavily biased but correct opinion, there is no academically accepted method in which to "count" shelving.
Ps. the word "count" is juvenille; professionals, like myself and other learned men, prefer to use the word "enumerate."
From the Second Gentleman at 16:34
On further reflection, I would surmise that enumerating shelving from the bottom up would be the correct method- if there is one- as every shelving unit has a bottom shelf. I offer my most sincere apologies.
From the First Gentleman at 16:48
I am impressed and humbled by your heartfelt honesty in regards to this matter. It takes a big man- and by no means is this directed as a personal attack- to admit that he is lesser in the understanding and grasping of basic concepts.
***
From the Second Gentleman at 22:17
Hey, can I borrow twenty bucks?
From the First Gentleman at 22: 25
Yeah, sure. Black jar on shelf in bedroom.
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