My new address is:
http://williamfarrant.tumblr.com/
Monday, March 5, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Chocolate Chip Cookie Fantasy For Your Man
This one is for all you Valentine's cynics, including myself. That's why I wrote it last year. And now I'm making an annual tradition out of posting it on the "special" day.
Chocolate Chip Cookie Fantasy For Your Man
This one’s easy. Your man will get so hot and bothered watching you “make” cookies he’ll be too dumb to notice you’re not baking anything at all. We’ll be using all our old tricks here: cleavage, hair toss, puckered lips, playful accidents, etc… You’d think this shit would get old for them, but they bite every time. For whatever reason, they can’t get enough. You can guarantee these eleven minutes of your life will earn you their obedience for weeks to come. I’ll keep it simple. You don’t want to over think this:
Ingredients:
A bag of Chips Ahoy cookies
Some Flour
Pans, bowls, spatula, electronic devices
Eighties rock music (Poison, Warrant, but feel free to improvise)
Hairspray and other cosmetics to taste
An Apron
High Heels
1. Once you get the music going the first step is to undress in the bedroom and apply the hairspray and cosmetics. Then walk out to the kitchen wearing only the apron and high heels. He’ll likely be in his chair with a beer, his eyes wide open, like he just discovered year-round Christmas.
2. “Preheat oven.” You don’t actually need to turn it on. Just go to the oven and flip on the timer or light. He’ll never know the difference, and he’ll strain his neck trying to look at your ass when you lean over to “turn it on.” Ha!
3. Do a hair flip. Toss it to the side, bat your eyes, and giggle even though there is nothing remotely funny happening. He’ll probably swallow too much air while taking a sip of his beer. This is good.
4. Reach into the cupboards and knock around some bowls, pans, whatever. As long as there is some noise your man will understand that progress is being made.
5. Walk to the pantry and get some flour. Open it too quickly so some poofs into the air. Again, giggle. Say, “Hehe, silly me.” Take the flour to the counter and pour some in a bowl.
6. Grab a spatula and slowly turn the flour over in the bowl. Hold the spatula like you’ve never held one before. While you’re doing it act a little confused, like your man is talking to you about dirt bikes. He’ll like this and be thinking, “It’s like she doesn’t know how to make cookies all of a sudden!”
7. Grab one of the electric devices you own. Anyone will do: food processor, can opener, blender. Again, refer to the “as long as it makes noise” step from earlier. You can make it a little more realistic if you like and actually use an electric mixer. Your call.
8. Move about the kitchen taking things out and putting them away. Open the fridge a few times. Stop. Act like you forgot something and then just remembered it. Pick up a spoon and drop it. Touch your lips. Say, “Whoops.”
9. Open the oven. Take out the pan of Chips Ahoy cookies you put in there before you started the Fantasy Recipe. Hold them with one hand- oven mitts are a nice touch but not necessary. Giggle. Smile. Giggle. Look at your man. Tilt your head to the side. Say, “All done!”
10. Put the cookies on the counter. Go get changed and head out for a drink with the girls. Your man will be fine. He’ll phone his buddies and tell them all about it, probably adding in some details, like how it ended with something sexual.
11. Save the link to this recipe in his bookmarks folder as “Steelers lose; Roethlisberger injured.”
Chocolate Chip Cookie Fantasy For Your Man
This one’s easy. Your man will get so hot and bothered watching you “make” cookies he’ll be too dumb to notice you’re not baking anything at all. We’ll be using all our old tricks here: cleavage, hair toss, puckered lips, playful accidents, etc… You’d think this shit would get old for them, but they bite every time. For whatever reason, they can’t get enough. You can guarantee these eleven minutes of your life will earn you their obedience for weeks to come. I’ll keep it simple. You don’t want to over think this:
Ingredients:
A bag of Chips Ahoy cookies
Some Flour
Pans, bowls, spatula, electronic devices
Eighties rock music (Poison, Warrant, but feel free to improvise)
Hairspray and other cosmetics to taste
An Apron
High Heels
1. Once you get the music going the first step is to undress in the bedroom and apply the hairspray and cosmetics. Then walk out to the kitchen wearing only the apron and high heels. He’ll likely be in his chair with a beer, his eyes wide open, like he just discovered year-round Christmas.
2. “Preheat oven.” You don’t actually need to turn it on. Just go to the oven and flip on the timer or light. He’ll never know the difference, and he’ll strain his neck trying to look at your ass when you lean over to “turn it on.” Ha!
3. Do a hair flip. Toss it to the side, bat your eyes, and giggle even though there is nothing remotely funny happening. He’ll probably swallow too much air while taking a sip of his beer. This is good.
4. Reach into the cupboards and knock around some bowls, pans, whatever. As long as there is some noise your man will understand that progress is being made.
5. Walk to the pantry and get some flour. Open it too quickly so some poofs into the air. Again, giggle. Say, “Hehe, silly me.” Take the flour to the counter and pour some in a bowl.
6. Grab a spatula and slowly turn the flour over in the bowl. Hold the spatula like you’ve never held one before. While you’re doing it act a little confused, like your man is talking to you about dirt bikes. He’ll like this and be thinking, “It’s like she doesn’t know how to make cookies all of a sudden!”
7. Grab one of the electric devices you own. Anyone will do: food processor, can opener, blender. Again, refer to the “as long as it makes noise” step from earlier. You can make it a little more realistic if you like and actually use an electric mixer. Your call.
8. Move about the kitchen taking things out and putting them away. Open the fridge a few times. Stop. Act like you forgot something and then just remembered it. Pick up a spoon and drop it. Touch your lips. Say, “Whoops.”
9. Open the oven. Take out the pan of Chips Ahoy cookies you put in there before you started the Fantasy Recipe. Hold them with one hand- oven mitts are a nice touch but not necessary. Giggle. Smile. Giggle. Look at your man. Tilt your head to the side. Say, “All done!”
10. Put the cookies on the counter. Go get changed and head out for a drink with the girls. Your man will be fine. He’ll phone his buddies and tell them all about it, probably adding in some details, like how it ended with something sexual.
11. Save the link to this recipe in his bookmarks folder as “Steelers lose; Roethlisberger injured.”
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