Stacey and the Three Drunks

Written on request for MM many moons ago.


Once upon a time in a nursery rhyme there were three drunks. One was an Older Drunk and one was a Younger Drunk and one was a Wee Bit Drunker than the rest.

They’d all gone a-stumblin’ and a-bumblin’ into the woods- and oooooh they were drinking- when along came a girl who was not even thirty, but walked like she was twenty, with matted down, deliciously curly hair- and a Mickey of Southern Comfort in a two-litre bottle of Pepsi in one of her hands. Her name was Stacey and up upon the door she went!

[Knock, knock, knock]

But no one was there. And she didn't care that no one was there. So she walked right in and got fucking right fucked up!

Home came those three drunks!

"Someone's been drinking my gin," said the Older Drunk, said the Older Drunk.
"Someone's been drinking my rum," said the Younger Drunk, said the Younger Drunk.
"Where’s the rum, where’s the gin, Oliver, Oliver, the night has just begin," said the one who was a Wee Bit Drunker than the rest.

"Someone’s been puking on my lawn chair," said the Older Drunk, said the Older Drunk.
"Someone's been puking in my Chevy on blocks around the side of the house," said the Younger Drunk, said the Younger Drunk.
"Chaaaaaaaaair, Cheeeeeeeeeevy, Chhhaaeeeevvvvvy," said the one who was a Wee Bit Drunker than the rest.

"Someone's been rustling up the sheets in my bed," said the Older Drunk, said the Older Drunk.
"Someone's fucking puked in my bed…fuck…Christ,” said the Younger Drunk, said the Younger Drunk.
"Fuck, dudes, there’s a fucking chick sleeping in my bed," said the one who was a Wee Bit Drunker than the rest.

Just then Stacey woke up, saw the shit she was up against, and got the fuck out of there.

"Where’s my kiss,” said the Older Drunk, said the Older Drunk.
"Damn, she was a fine thang, dang-it,” said the Younger Drunk, said the Younger Drunk.
"Bee bop a ree bah," said the one who was a Wee Bit Drunker than the rest.

So ends the story of Stacey and the Three Drunks.