Confession of an Office Boy: Episode 1 of 5

For a few years in my "mid to late twenties" I worked at a Legal Services company. Frequently, I emailed little quips and blurbs about my job to my mother. She kept them all. Many years after when I decided to start writing I put a bunch of them together in the hopes of making a story. I cleaned them up, adding bits here and there, but I could never quite make them into anything I felt "publishable." The writing style and tone were fine at the time, but changing them to any sort of "literary standard" drastically lost the sincerity in which they were written. So, I gave up on them... until now!!! I hate that I just did that, said "until now" prefaced by an ellipsis. Anyway, I'm going to "release" what I had put together on Facebook and on my shitty blog that I pay no attention to. This is "Episode 1 of 5" of Confessions of an Office Boy. Yes, Charlotte, I'm aware of the "over-use" of "quotes" in this "intro."

Confession of an Office Boy 1 of 5

"Homemade Intro"

I work at a legal supply company called Dyke and Howard. We provide search and registration services, register companies, file legal documents, serve people, process land titles, and do a million other things I have no idea about. I’m poorly paid and could probably make more as the manager of a McDonald’s. Contrary to my expectations, there are few redeeming qualities about my work here. At twenty-seven, the only positive benefit I take from my job is that I can manipulate the level or lack of prestige it has to suit social circumstances.

When I am with a younger crowd I say I have a desk job and do menial tasks, like answering phones and making photocopies. This ironic honesty demonstrates that I am still young and hip, my lethargic enthusiasm indicating I haven't “given in to the man.” I can leave a house party with the allure of social cool.

When I’m with an older crowd- people my parent’s age- I’m more creative: I am an agent for massive law conglomerates, I handle confidential documents, I trade secrets, “I see what I can do.” I recommend things to people, give advice on legal matters- advice that is usually found with a few clicks of a mouse, but nobody needs to know that. I cross my legs when sitting and take time to think about their questions. I say, “Yeah, uh huh, really?” I also drink wine. This gives the illusion of upward mobility and measured grace.

Email #1:

It’s my first day at Dyke and Howard. Darren is training me for two weeks so I get to follow him around like a puppy. Everybody loves Darren. He’s the office darling. The women lust after him; the other two men in the office ignore him, for good reason: they just couldn’t compete.

Darren is telling me things I don’t understand. I just watch what he does. Maybe if I move my arms in the same way he does it’ll look like I’m doing the job. I try opening drawers, shuffling paper. Seems to be working so far.

Darren passed out invitations to his going away party. It’s at a large restaurant a few blocks from here. The event is called “Darren’s Freedom 35 Retirement Party.” He’s retiring at the age of thirty-five. His wife went through law school and she’s a lawyer now. So, he’s done. He’s packing it in. In his spare time he’s going to help the blind buy groceries.

I have two weeks to become Darren. I have big shoes to fill.

Email #2:

It’s my first day without Darren. I have eaten a bowl of popcorn and it’s ten-thirty in the morning- the office has several boxes of popcorn in the break room. We need to eat it because we have a rodent problem. Professional exterminators have told us that mice like popcorn, and having it around is like advertising that we have “vacancy.” It would seem to me that sealed bags in a kitchen cupboard would be safe from mice and increasing our popcorn intake would only increase the chances of it falling on the floor, and, therefore, being consumed by mice. Or maybe this is a good business move on the part of the extermination company?

It’s a slow day. And I have volunteered to stuff envelopes. I have become quite good at this, a rising star. I squeeze all the excitement I can out of aligning the address of a letter with the clear window of an envelope. I feel I may have become arrogant. I get frustrated when others try to fold envelopes; they just don't have the speed and finesse I do. I say, “I’ll fold those. Your back must be killing you? Why don’t you answer phones for a while?”

The Corporate Department's documents are the most rewarding to fold. They either say, “You didn't do this right,” “You can't do this the way you have done it,” or “Sorry, you are overdue.” The real gold, however, are the names of the companies. Canadian Clog Comfort Society and Bong Water Flavours Limited are just a few. But the company with the best name is the law firm of Noble Young Virgin. They specialize in sexual assault cases.

Email #3:

I just ran into the Armenian hat-wearing lawyer at the courthouse. He takes the cases no one else will. He asked me to pay the fee for a Writ of Summons- he is currently representing a woman who has no idea she’s involved in a lawsuit. Then I saw a face of withered excitement. It was television reporter Jim Pemberton with his camera crew. He wanted an interview with the Armenian lawyer. The lawyer acted smooth. He looked at me, smiled, and said, “As a child I used to throw rocks at bees' nests.” I smiled back and told him bees’ sting.

Email #4:

I had an A&W burger at the Bay Centre food court for lunch today. Afterwards, on the way down the escalator, I saw that the other escalator was turned off and surrounded at both ends by Mall Security; two guys, with name tags that said Ken and Darryl. A crowd had gathered watching them direct mall traffic. Some guy who couldn't see past the crowd asked me if I knew what was going on. I told him a child was stuck and they couldn't get the escalator to stop.

Email #5

The office is getting primed for the big Dyke & Howard Christmas party in Vancouver. All four of the offices go: Vancouver, New Westminster, Coquitlam, and Victoria. Everyone keeps telling me about previous parties- who was the drunkest, who is overweight, annoying, etc… We get our own free room at the Motel Six. It’s paid for with our Rec Club Membership. Apparently, two hundred people go to the party. I can’t wait to meet all the people I talk to on the phone everyday from the other offices. It’ll be like meeting celebrities. I hope I don’t get flustered, run out of things to say. I wonder if Ashley in the New Westminster shipping department is a babe? I’m starting to get excited. Really, I am.

Email #6:

For my birthday I received a toy pony from Carmen. I named him Windsor. Today was the office Secret Santa gift exchange. I got a My Little Pony, which I promptly named Palmeras. Windsor and Palmeras were quickly wed in a quiet civil ceremony at the photocopier. They are now Windsor and Palmeras Eton. Lindsay suggested that Palmaras might have wanted to keep her own name. I disagreed. I told Lindsay that Palmeras’ maiden name was Mare-in-Taiwan and that she was more than happy with the new name. The newlyweds are glowing.

"Stay tuned for Episode 2" coming next Thursday!

William Farrant