Festive Meanderings

First off, I do my Christmas shopping on December 24th every year. It's quite painless. In the weeks, and sadly months, leading up to the Big Event people often ask, "Have you got everything yet?" I reply with, "No, I haven't." This is usually followed by, "Doesn't this stress you out?" To which I add, "No, it doesn't."

A plan of attack is vital. I have military-grade visions when it comes to Christmas shopping. I'm in. And I'm out. Granted, I'm a single guy in my thirties with no children, but still, it doesn't have to be difficult.

This is what I do:

-At some point in the week before Christmas I make decisions. I "decide" that I'm getting "this" for "that person" and "that" for "this person." It takes a few minutes of thinking, but to be on the safe side, I give it a day or so to percolate in my head before I make any Firm Decisions.

-Once I have made Firm Decisions, I locate where these purchases can be made. For the past several years I have done all my shopping in Sidney. It really narrows down the attack-zone when the mission is set in motion.

And so, today's missions went like this:

After having lunch with my parents I drove into Sidney and Parked My Car. When I got out I walked to the first store I needed to go to. Conveniently, all the stores I planned to visit were within a two block radius of each other. I entered the first store and found an Employee. I asked him Where I Might Find The Thing I Want. It took a few seconds for the Employee to process, but then he directed me to a shelf. I went to the shelf and picked up the Thing I Wanted. I followed this up by walking to the Area Where You Pay For Things and joined the line. Naturally, this is the most stressful part of Purchasing Things as it can take up to five minutes for it to be your turn. After I endured a Five Minute Wait In Line I purchased my Thing and left the store. I repeated this process four more times until I had completed all of my Christmas Shopping. My trip to Sidney also included buying a bag of unbleached flour from the health food store, and a hot chocolate as a reward for my effectiveness. Total amount of time from start to finish: one hour.

During my mission I made a few observations about my fellow consumers that left me bewildered, their stunning lack of tact mesmerizing in what is supposed to be a Joyous Time Of Year:

1. A man pulling at his hair and staring at his credit card as if it had gone into cardiac arrest.

2. Many people of varying ages in varying stages of "Zombiement" ghosting their way across streets and entering through exit doors.

3. Wild, menacing teenagers off their leashes standing with no purpose in the middle of sidewalks and doorways.

4. Men in needlessly large vehicles parking in a) small car spots, and b) handicapped spots.

5. Women with needlessly large purses using said purses as battering rams to get by other women with needlessly large purses.

6. Employees of stores grimacing with sweat, yet smiling wildly as they say "Merry Christmas. Thanks for coming!" while you damn well know what they want to say is "Get the fuck out of my store, please."

As I got into my truck to leave, in the Scotia Bank parking lot, I observed a couple putting a toddler in a car seat. The toddler was wailing away, making a real fuss. It's not an uncommon site. Children are unpredictable. They make noise. They cry. WE ALL KNOW THIS. A man and a woman, late fifties, wearing parkas it seemed, looked over to the car and said, "My word, what are they doing to that poor child?" People like this annoy me. They most likely have kids. But their kids NEVER had tantrums. I looked back to the older couple and said, "It's torture. Waterboarding, likely."

The best gift I'll receive this Christmas is the look of utter horror those two people gave me.

Seasons Beatings!