The Haircut

I hadn’t looked at my new haircut in about ten minutes. I went to the bathroom. I’d just got to the pub. I looked at myself in the mirror and stuck my neck out like a chicken- I read somewhere this makes you look younger. I turned to the side and admired my profile. I decided I was irresistible.

I went to the bar. I waited for one of the waitresses to talk to me. Olivia smiled. She said, “You got a haircut." I told her I got them all cut- I got that one from my Grandfather.

Olivia emptied a few mugs of flat beer. Then she walked away. I said hello to Rob. He’s from Scotland. And he’s balding. I must have appeared like Jesus before him. Rob didn’t have much too say other than, “how you doing?” I said I was all right. I was playing it cool.

I turned around and faced the keno screen. The regulars lose a lot of money to it. I could see them clutching tickets in their hands, crumpled, and sweaty.

I’m too good for gambling. I pretend to play by picking up stray tickets from the floor. I say things like, “Darn, not a winner”, and destroy my ticket in haste. Then I throw the pieces towards the bin. The gamblers like seeing other people lose as it justifies their plight. I fake gamble for them because I’m a humanitarian, a real people person.

The mumbling drunk at the corner of the bar ordered an Irish Car Bomb. He had a full neat whiskey too. He was out of it. He fell off his stool and popped right back up. There was a mixture of laughter and concern. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, nodded, and got another pint.

The bartender, Tim, told a story about Roger- he was in earlier. Everyone started to make fun of Roger. Then they talked about him nicely in case he was still lurking around. They all looked over their shoulders. It got quiet for a second.

Roger told me once that he looks after his dying mother. He says the family is worth a lot of money. I think he’s waiting around for the Will. So does everyone else. He’s never had a job in his life. He’s also adopted.

A guy named John paid his bill. He got assistance from Rob because he couldn’t read it. He paid with a hundred. I watched Tim give him his change. He’d spent sixty bucks. I didn’t notice if he tipped. He went and had a conversation with a vacant table. We all figured he had a half-sack before he got here.

I was fishing for old keno tickets near the exit when John finally left. He had a joint in his mouth and walked into the door while trying to get a lighter out of his pocket. I thought he could do with a haircut.

I asked for a pint and played a round of “Darn, not a winner.” Norm started talking to Rob. Norm is a mechanic. Rob used to be a mechanic. Listening to Norm speak is like listening to the narration of an educational film about geological processes.

Norm was wearing a hat. It said Ford on it. He talked dryly about radiators and fuel injection. Rob couldn’t shake Norm. He was stuck with him for a while.

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I paid with my credit card. It didn’t work. I used a gift certificate instead. I tipped with quarters and nickels. I noticed the sole of my left shoe had come apart from its heal. I still had a pint coming.

The place started to empty. Most of the regulars had paid. Some promised to pay the next day. There is a ledge where unpaid tabs go. It’s called the Wall of Shame. I was on there once.

My eyes were getting heavy. I wasn’t sure why. I’d slept till noon. My beer spilled a little when I moved to a barstool.

It was after last call but I hung around with Tim. He filled my beer to make up for the spill. Olivia sat down at the bar to do her cash-out. I waited for her to talk to me. She kept counting her money.

I rolled up my sleeves so my tattoos were visible. I’d heard somewhere that girls like tattoos. I talked to Tim. I spoke louder and slower than usual. Tim asked me to repeat what I said a few times. Olivia moved to table nine.

Tim asked me to finish my beer. I drank it quickly. I got some on my shirt but I don’t think Tim or Olivia noticed. I went to the handicapped bathroom. I forgot to wash my hands when I was finished. My jacket had fallen off the stool. I picked it up and put it on. The lights were turned off and I had a smoke on the front steps. It was cold out. Tim locked up while Olivia got in his car and then it started to rain.